you know what? i have no idea
by takahashi miyuki
Summary: erm... i suck at summaries... ok, here goes... what happens when sanzo-ikkou become teachers at shohoku high?
1. Health Class

**Health Class**

I have rewritten the dialogue into narrative form and er... I have added in some other details. Thanks to those who reviewed. =D By the way... the paragraph breaks are a little weird... I was never good at writing... =S 

" " =spoken ' ' =thoughts * * =action of everybody (with some exceptions of course *cough*rukawa*cough*) { } =me talking non-sense ^^" 

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Some first and second year students are in a classroom, waiting for their heath teacher. "zzz..." Rukawa was sleeping again... even though class had not started yet. 

"NYAHAHAHAHA!!! THE TENSAI KNOWS EVERYTHING!!! HE DOES NOT NEED HEALTH CLASS!!!" Sakuragi could be heard bellowing. *sweatdrop* (even though they were already used to his enormous ego) 

Presently, a young man walked into the classroom. His eyes and hair were red, and he was wearing a sleeveless white shirt and jeans. 'Bleah... most of the girls in this class are bimbos.' 

"Good morning sexy ladies and uh... peoples. I am Gojyo sensei, your new health teacher, and I'm here to teach you how to have sex properly..." *sweatdrop* (except for Rukawa, who is still sleeping and oblivious to his surroundings) "Er... I meant all about sex and this... er..." He flipped through the papers on his clipboard. "This abstinence... thingy... which I do not approve of... but I have to talk about because if I don't... I'll get fired..." Gojyo picks up a red whiteboard marker and writes the word "SEX" on the whiteboard, in very very large letters. Then, he draws a man with his -ahem- erect, and a condom. *blush* (except Rukawa). 

Suddenly, a spiky haired teen popped his head into the room. "Did someone say SEX?" The spiky haired teen was Sedoh Akira, the ace of the Ryonan basketball team. *sweatdrop* "HEYYYYYYYY...BAKA SMILEY!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? YOU MUST NOT LEARN THE ENEMY'S SECRETS!!! *sweatdrop* "Interested huh? I can teach you..." Gojyo said, looked seductivly at Sendoh. "ITHINKI'LLGONOW" Sendoh yelled and ran for his life. 

"Back to what we were saying before that very interesting porcupine popped up... so... who has done it already?" Gojyo asked. Haruko sneaks a peek at the sleeping Rukawa before saying, "Sensei~ We're still freshmen!" 

"As I used to say... Its never too young to start!!!" Gojyo explains. *a very very major sweatdrop* "So... this means that no one has any experiences? What about second-hand experiences?" He continued. Sakuragi snapped out of his daydream about Haruko giving him a pancake. {Thats his idea of romance?!?} "NANI?!? THE TENSAI HAS EXPERIENCE!!! NYAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" *falls off chair* "Oh... reeeeely now..." He smirked. "Then tell me... what is your favorite position?" 

"FORWARD OF COURSE!!! I AM ONE OF THE STARTING FIVE YOU KNOW!!!" He exclaims, even though he is sitting in the front row. Gojyo rubs his ears before saying, "Whoa! You're good!" 

"YEA!!! THE TENSAI IS VERY GOOD! ANY POSITIONING AT ALL!!!" *falls of chair* This time, Rukawa wakes up because of the commotion. "69..." 

"WAAAAAAA!!! RUKAWA-KUN IS SOOOOOO SMART!!!" Ru exclaims. Ru, Ka, and Wa let out a fangirl scream and their eyes turn into hearts. 'Huh... Rukawa... even have a fanclub... and I don't... I'll make you pay!!!' Gojyo thinks. "69? Whazzat?" A puzzled red head asks. Before anyone answers him, some more students enter the classroom. 

"We had a special assembly for third year students. Sorry for being late." Kogure explains to Gojyo. Gojyo greeted the students that had just walked in. "Ugh... only ugly men... and a vicious looking lady..." He mutters to himself. "Sit in the back will you?" He continues aloud. 

"NYAHAHAHAHA! GORI!!! I WAS RIGHT! EVEN THE SENSEI CALLS YOU UGLY!" 

"Gori? Nice name... wanna banana?" The sensei asked. Upon hearing this, the captain of the Shohoku Basketball team fumed. "Maa... maa.. He's a teacher!" Kogure said while holding the steaming captain back. "Teacher? He looks more like a cockroach...maybe his ancestors were..." Mitsui ventured. Ignoring the third year students, Gojyo gets back to the lesson. 

"Back to the lesson... we were discussing our favorite positi-" Before he could continue, he was interupted by a short second year. "I AM THE GREATEST POINT GUARD IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!!" Gojyo was confused by his outburst. "Guard? Guard what?" Presently, a "whack" could be heard. Ayako had just used her famous/infamous paper fan to whack Miagi on the head. "This is a health class and we are talking about sex you idiot!" She points to the large word on the whiteboard to make her point. 

"S...SE...SE...SEX???I THOUGHT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT BASKETBALL!!!" Sakuragi exclaimed. "You were talking about basketball? Hm... now that I think of it... just exactly WHAT is basketball again?" A very confused Gojyo asked. "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT BASKETBALL IS?!? CRIME!!!" Sakuragi then headbutts Gojyo. A dazed Gojyo sensei falls to the floor. Rukawa wakes up from the commotion and walks out of class. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

So... how do you like this version better? Yea... please review. My first fic. Constructive criticism please. 


	2. Math Class

**Math Class**

So... this one isn't as funny... prolli because I wrote it myself? Just read anyway. 

" " =spoken ' ' =thoughts * * =action of everybody (with some exceptions of course *cough*rukawa*cough*) { } =me talking non-sense ^^" 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

The first year students are in a classroom, waiting for their math teacher. Math was the second class of the first day of the second semester of school. {phew... complicated sentence there} A certain fox-eyed boy was drooling away while in deep slumber. The other members of the class were chatting away, some talking about the hot/poor health teacher. {Sakuragi headbutted him, remember?} 

"NYAHAHAHAHA! THE TENSAI DOES NOT NEED MATH CLASS!!! 1+1=3!!!" *falls of chair* Just as everyone got up from the floor, a blonde man walked in. The young man was Genjo Sanzo. He did not like people dirtying the school, and he really hated loud mouthed people. He fired three rounds from his pistol that he always carried with him, wherever he went. "URUSAI!!!" Everybody's face paled and they shut up immediately. 

"I am your new math teacher. You can call me Sanzo sensei. Your old math teacher was fired by the new principal." Sanzo explained. "NYAHAHAHA! STUPID OLD MAN WAS TOO SOFT FOR US TO HEAR!" Two more rounds were fired from Sanzo's gun. "NYAHAHAHA! YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO SCARE US! THE TENSAI IS NOT SCARED!!!" Sanzo reloaded his gun and fired five rounds. Sakuragi turned around to look at the wall behind him {he is sitting in the back of class because he was too noisy and stupid, so the teacher gave up on him}. "AHHH!!! YOU'RE GOING TO KILL ALL OF US!!!" Behind him, five bullet holes faintly outline where his head had been a minute ago. *laughs nervously* 

"Getting on with the class... We will learn how to calculate the surface area and volume of a cone, cylinder, and sphere. Being high school students, I expect you to use the pi button on your new calculator, and not the very rough estimate, 3.14. I'll give you five minutes to figure out how to use the basic functions of your new calculator." 

The students took out their new calculators and started to explore the functions. A chibi Sakuragi bursts out, "DOKO DOKO?!? I DON'T SEE A PIE ON MY CALCULATOR!!!" He turned his head from side to side at hyper speed, trying to find the pie. "Baka! It's pi, not pie!!!" 

Suddenly, the air-headed Haruko asked a very profound question, "Sir? Are there monkeys in the forest?" {My god!! How did that come about? Is it her twisted logic?} Stress marks appear on Sanzo, but before he could say anything, Sakuragi asked, "Nani? Haruko-chan... isn't your brother a gori? Are you trying to send him away to the forest or what?"*sweatdrop* 

"Sakuragi... you shouldn't call my brother a go-" But before she could say more, Sanzo had regained his composure and asked, "Haruko, would you be kind enough to explain your train of thought and how you're thinking about monkeys and not your new calculator?" Ru, Ka, and Wa snickered, as they considered themselves smarter than Haruko. "Nani? Train? There are trains in the forest?" A confused Sakuragi asked. Sanzo was so annoyed by Sakuragi that he sent him out of the room. 

The class held their breath in anticipation of Haruko's very complicated train of thought. "Well, sensei, when I looked at the calculator, I thought the way the buttons were arranged looked like a monkey's face and then I wondered if they lived in the forest." Neither the class, nor Sanzo could follow her train of thought and however hard they tried, they could not see the monkey face. 

"Whatever... Take out your textbooks now. Sakuragi, you can come back in." The very cerebral Haruko, on seeing the cover of the new textbooks, asked, "Is there really a bridge linking South America and South Africa?" *falls off chair* 

"Rukawa, please read the first paragraph in the book for us, page 2." Rukawa opened up te textbook and started to read in a monotone. After he had finished reading, Sanzo asked Sakuragi, "Sakuragi, how do we find the surface area of a cylinder?" The self-proclaimed tensai said, "Easy! Just measure it with a ruler!" *sweatdrop* 'Oh my... how come I have all these stuipd students?' Aloud, he said, "Fine. What is the volume of a cylinder with a radius of 3 and if its height is 7?" Sakuragi thought for a few seconds before saying, "Easy! 3X7=24!" 

"Sakuragi....I think you need to stay after class and work on your multiplication tables." Sazno sighed. The class snickered, and the fox-eyed basketball ace said his famous one-liner, "Do'aho." Before Sakragi could retaliate, the bell rung, and he was stuck in the classroom with the murderous math teacher. 

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Arg... I knew it was stupid... well, its going to be a while until the next update, so it'll be better than this one. I'm going overseas on vacation. So yea... please review ok?!? 


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